About that underwear

I have seen this a lot on social media recently: Underwear that shows the 4th Amendment when scanned at an airport. According to the company selling it, it uses metallic ink. They also claim that the words show up in x-rays.

While amusing, this is a scam.

There were several products purporting to do this 8 years ago, when scanners were first introduced. However, it is now obsolete as there is now just an avatar shown to TSA. So this shirt might show up as an anomaly on the chest, leading to a pat-down. But, chances are, an agent will never see the text of the 4th Amendment.

(Furthermore, the scanners are also now using millimeter-wave technology, not x-rays. So, while the metallic text may still be detected by the scanner, I wouldn't trust the manufacturer's word on this.They are clearly ignorant of TSA policy.)

Buy this product if you like the subversive nature of it and don't mind pat-downs. But, if you want to educate the TSA, you'd be better off handing them a pocket-sized Constitution.

TSA satire proves prescient

No kidding, the TSA'S scanners mis-identified a cyst as a possible terrorist threat on a woman passing through airport security (reported in JAMA Dermatology). Five years ago, satire abounded on the TSA subbing in for your doctor.

It's not an analogy. It's reality.

A friend sent me this TSA-themed  cartoon.

SPOT Humor

From Reason, a little TSA humor:

The bag search: Invasion of privacy

But at least some TSA agents have the courtesy to leave notes, thereby making the privacy invasion both obvious and humorous (for some).

Howler from the TSA

In an interview printed by a newspaper, a TSA rep says:

Imaging technology has been widely accepted as an alternative to the pat-down.

And, then, a couple of sentences later:

Passengers who opt out of imaging technology screening will receive alternative screening, including a physical pat-down.

So... is the pat-down an alternative to the naked scanner, or is the scanner an alternative to groping?

Ron Paul for airport freedom

Homeland Security Theater cartoonist, Bill Forster, does a shout out to the Congressman (and Presidential hopeful) who is a consistent critic of TSA policies:

One way Ron Paul has tried to support passengers' rights is by proposing anti-groping and anti-scanning legislation at the federal level:

No law of the United States shall be construed to confer any immunity for a Federal employee or agency or any individual or entity that receives Federal funds, who subjects an individual to any physical contact (including contact with any clothing the individual is wearing), x-rays, or millimeter waves, or aids in the creation of or views a representation of any part of an individual’s body covered by clothing as a condition for such individual to be in an airport or to fly in an aircraft. The preceding sentence shall apply even if the individual or the individual’s parent, guardian, or any other individual gives consent.

Of course, not enough of the other crooks in Washington actually care about Americans enough to pass this law.

Silly interview of TSA

The Trusted Traveler and cartoon-image scanners are being installed at some Florida airports, so a diligent, Floridian reporter did what nearly all journalists do these days. He threw softball questions to the TSA to answer with zero followup. There's really nothing interesting in the interview, since it's just the same propaganda that has been in TSA press releases and being parroted by the media as if it is news. But, there's this one really funny answer from the TSA:

Q: After a trusted traveler departs Miami and flies to another city, can that person get into an express line to fly home?

A: Yes, but only if that city is Dallas. Similarly, a Delta passenger who departs from Atlanta can get into an express lane only in Detroit on the return trip.

Reminds me of Mr. Ford's quip that you can request the Model T in any color, as long as it's black!

Another 'TSA is kinda like a doctor' parody

What's better than receiving a free groping by the TSA? How about getting your breasts checked for cancer at the same time? That's the new offering from the TSA, which says that squeezing and twisting your breasts during security pat-downs is now a "medical procedure" and that it's all being done "to protect the health of Americans." Men, meanwhile, will now receive a free prostate exam as part of their screening procedure.

Read the rest.

Missed connections: Carl, the TSO at McCarran International

Here's a dose of humor for all my jaded readers:

Yesterday I went to the Southwest terminal at McCarran International and found that EVERYONE goes through the nudie scanners unless one requests otherwise. Gone in this terminal are the random radiation blasts. Everyone gets radiation unless one opts out.

I opted out and got Carl. Now he was gentle, yet firm. He rubbed me in all the right spots and I loved it....

Read the rest, and also click around on some of the other TSA-related entries on that blog.

Dumbest thing in the world

Try to go to tsa.gov in your browser. It won't load. You must type the "www." in front.

(If you don't know why this is dumb or funny, just ignore me today.)

Life imitates satire

This gives a whole new meaning to those cartoons implying that TSA agents will double as undereducated radiologists soon (And then there's this recent satirical article.):

The security industry does sell X-ray machines, called transmission scanners, that can see inside body cavities and underneath skin. The Cook County sheriff in Illinois introduced such a machine, known as the RadPRO SecurPASS, at its jail in February.

Since then, guards have made some interesting finds, sheriff’s spokesman Steve Patterson said in an interview before today’s report. In one case, an inmate was found to have swallowed 10 pouches of heroin. Another was found to have kidney stones and was transported to a hospital. [emphasis added]

WaPo editorial lambasts 'belly bombs' warning

Good for Alexandra Petri, a Washington Post blogger, who writes of the belly bomb threat:

...this has moved beyond the realm of parody into whatever realm is beyond parody, maybe Narnia. Clearly nothing is too absurd to be considered a threat by the TSA.

TSA cartoonist on a roll

The cartoons by reformed TSO, Bill Forster, over at Homeland Security Theater have been great. If you don't read them regularly (he posts twice a week, I think), I highly recommend them. And, don't forget to read the back story.

His cartoon from last week shows a surprise engagement getting ruined by the heartless TSA:

And here's an excerpt of Bill's commentary:

...Four times. Four times!!! FOUR TIMES I saw this happen!

... Once I was standing next to a fellow screener who didn’t speak English (because they hired those) and he got a ring in a bag. He told the guy that he had to check the bag and started searching through it. The guy started freaking out because his girlfriend was standing RIGHT THERE asking what the problem was. He kept begging, “Do we have to do this here?” and “Can we do this in private?” Now, the TSA can do it in private and if requested MUST do it in private. However if your screener doesn’t speak the language it becomes a little difficult to communicate that request. So I caught on and realized what was going down. I ran over and grabbed the bag. In a stern “you’re in big trouble” type voice I said the the man, “Sir! You can’t bring this on an airplane. Come with me, NOW!” and escorted him into a private screening area. Once away from his girlfriend I asked, “So whadda got? An engagement ring?” The color returned to the guy’s face. “Oh thank you! Oh thank you!” the man exclaimed. I checked the ring and held him in there for a few minutes. Then I told him to walk out of the private area complaining that I was a jerk and took his Swiss Army Knife. It worked. The girl didn’t catch on. She was the lucky one!

Bill is the exception to the rule. He somehow maintained a smidgen of humanity while every incentive at the TSA discourages such individualistic critical thinking. TSA goons are not bad people, necessarily, but they have to fight hard to not become bad people while working for this agency. Their lives - to a man - will be much more productive and worthwhile if they all quit and recognize their employer for what it is.

The next step (satire)

Here's a satire on TSA policy: TSA Plans Screening Americans in their Homes.

"Of course!" says Jaunted

Jaunted writes about how predictable TSA behavior is. Lies, coverups, misinformation, and unions trying to prevent incompetent TSA agents from being fired.

Gwyneth Paltrow on scanners

I personally think that the position you must assume when getting irradiated at the airport is akin to that a criminal takes just prior to an arrest, Gwyneth Paltrow sees it differently:

"Going through the airport, saw a very elderly lady getting scanned by that new xray thing...the TSA has everybody throwing up the ROC, its too good," she wrote. The ROC would be throwing your diamond in the sky in praise of Jay-Z (longtime Paltrow pal) and his empire.

'You'd be distracted, too.'

A humorous take on the recent TSA firings in Hawaii:

In April, we told you about the Big Island TSA screener who was arrested for stealing money from an undercover agent posing as a Japanese tourist. And of course you know about the agency's controversial nude scanners and aggressive pat-down procedures, which sparked near riots during the holidays. Now, on Oahu, TSA announced it's firing more than 30 workers for failing to properly screen checked bags.

"TSA holds its workforce to the highest ethical standards and we will not tolerate employees who in any way compromise the security of the traveling public," said administrator John Pistole in a release. TSA says the security lapses occurred daily at Honolulu International "during the last few months of 2010."

Sounds bad, but hey—if you were looking at naked pictures and touching strangers' junk all day, you'd be distracted too.

Ain't the scan-n-group fun?

A sarcastic article from someone who is apparently knee-deep in federal propaganda, but can still see through the muck.

Miss Airport calendar

Nothing like a Rapiscan pinup calendar to keep you organized!